Fly on the E-Commerce Cyberwall

Perfectionism and Your "Happily Ever After"
Throughout the week, I've shared with you thoughts about perfectionism. Perfectionism has both a bright side and a dark side.

Approaching it from the bright side focuses on achieving positive results. This approach may start with a plan of how to obtain those results. The plan remains adaptable, though.

As setbacks block certain routes to the desired goal, this kind of perfectionism seeks new routes instead of agonizing over the one that is blocked. Similarly, as moving forward with the plan reveals even better routes to the desired goal, this kind of perfectionism gladly embraces those better routes instead of feeling tied to the original plan.

In short, the good side of perfectionism focuses on the results instead of on how to reach them. Because my experience with perfectionism has largely been with the dark side of it, I prefer to define the good side of perfectionism as pursuing excellence. I like to keep the two very different mindsets distinct.

The dark side of perfectionism views tasks from an all-or-nothing, one-shot viewpoint. Either everything goes exactly as originally planned, or the whole thing is a failure, no matter how positive the results may be. Each task is viewed as a final destination instead of as a step along a larger journey.

I've found this fragmented way of looking at life harmful. Furthermore, it's based on a fallacy. The rest of our lives is not a destination we arrive at. It is something we have the privilege of creating every day. The joy is in the journey, not in some mythical destination we never reach.

Sometimes, we'll make missteps. Sometimes we'll have to retrace our steps and try again. But if you focus on making the most of the journey instead of on the missteps, you'll get a lot more out of it.

You'll discover things you would have been too busy beating yourself up to see. You'll turn missteps into learning opportunities. You'll gain new insights from overcoming obstacles instead of merely bemoaning them.

You'll enjoy the journey more. And you'll likely will end up with far better results than you originally envisioned.

That brings us around to the antidote for the dark side of perfectionism: gratitude. The dark side of perfectionism is fueled by fear. The dark side of perfectionism is fueled by a feeling of lack. It is fueled by the feeling that if we don't get everything absolutely perfect, we'll remain stuck in that position of lack. We'll remain vulnerable.

Living our lives with gratitude for what we already have and for the discoveries we make along the way drives out that fear. Even obstacles become positives that help us grow.

Living with a viewpoint of gratitude for what we have lets us build our lives. Each resource we already have, each discovery we make, each obstacle we overcome becomes another brick with which we build a happier, more secure life.

Living with a viewpoint of fear and lack actually causes whatever feeble structure we already have to crumble. It robs us of seeing the building materials that lie all around us. It chips away the mortar that holds together the bricks we have already put in place.

When we pursue the dark side of perfectionism, we do it in the hope that one, big push will rescue us from our lack and give us a "happily ever after." We want a "happily ever after" to our lives. We should seek the courage to live our lives "gratefully ever after," no matter the circumstances. Only when we live "gratefully ever after" will we see all that we have to be grateful for.
Jeff

Labels: business success, mindset, perfectionism

You Might Have Trouble with Perfectionism If...
... whenever your plan hits a bump, you immediately assume that something is wrong with YOU.

... when something positive happens from something you didn't expect, you are tempted to reject it in favor sticking with the original plan.

... when you have to change your original plan and the results end up positive, you focus on what went wrong instead of on what went right or what you can learn from the experience.

What do you think? What other examples of problematic perfectionism can you add to the list?
Jeff

Labels: business success, mindset, perfectionism

Does Perfectionism Sometimes Need to Be "Perfect?"
Yesterday I described how a positive approach to perfectionism often is pursued best by adapting to changing circumstances and resetting expectations to produce the best possible outcome under those circumstances. Resetting expectations isn't always possible, though.

Sometimes, you don't control the expectations. Sometimes you have to conform to an external, preestablished standard that somebody else sets.

An Olympic figure skater can't reset expectations and accept missed jumps or changes in routine as acceptable. They're being judged on the basis of set requirements for their performance. Does that mean that perfection is an absolute after all?

It certainly is in the eyes of the judges. They judge on established guidelines. The "good" and "bad" perfectionism still comes into play in the way they approach their performance.

The figure skater who approaches the performance focused on fear of mistakes won't get far. By focusing on possible mistakes, they will find themselves making them.

The figure skater who falls will lose some points. If they get up and focus on making the rest of the performance the best it possibly can be, they will salvage something out of that opportunity, even if they can't get a perfect score. If they get up, though, and focus on thinking, "how many points will I lose?" or, "I'd better not make any more mistakes," they will make even more and lose more points.

You might say that the victim of "bad" perfectionistic thinking replaces the preestablished standard with their own, even higher standard. Agonizing over every minor glitch along the way overrules any more constructive approaches that would let them fix the current effort and improve future results. They settle for a dead end instead of a deeper exploration.

The "bad perfectionist" figure skater never even makes it to the Olympics. They give up before they can achieve their actual potential. They give up before they get the chance to compete at that level because they were discouraged over not being "perfect" immediately and always.

Meanwhile, "good perfectionist" figure skaters become masters of their craft because they focus on what it takes to excel rather than focusing on their mistakes.

What do you think? Is there such a thing as absolute perfection? How have you approached situations where you were expected to perform to someone else's standards?
Jeff

Labels: business success, mindset, perfectionism

When Being a Perfectionist Means Settling for Other than "Perfect"

Like I've said the past couple of days, I'm a perfectionist in the bad sense. I'm a perfectionist who agonizes over getting everything to match my preconceived idea of "perfect" even when the results I've gotten are more perfect for the current situation than my preconceived one is.

So it threw me for a loop in the discussion about perfectionism I was in a couple of weeks ago when others brought up examples of "good perfectionism." Perfectionism, in its good sense, has to be ready to accept results that, ironically, are less than perfect.

One person brought up an example of preparing a three-course dinner and finding that he didn't have the time to prepare everything exactly the way he had planned. His solution was to adapt.

He said he would most likely eliminate one of the courses so he could have the dinner ready at the time he had told his guests. He said his wife, on the other hand, would be more likely to prepare all three courses, but explain to the guests that the dinner would be slightly delayed.

In both cases, they sought to prepare the meal they had promised as well as possible. They sought excellence. They sought perfection. But both of them sought the best possible results for the circumstances rather than bemoaning the fact that they had "failed" to produce the exact results they had originally intended.

They adapted to the circumstances. They redefined their expectations on the fly to still produce a favorable outcome.

Not only that, but they likely would take away from the experience some ideas of how to improve the next time. They enjoy what they accomplished and use the setbacks to make the next time even better.

The self-destructive side of perfectionism would try to present the full three courses at the appointed time. That kind of perfectionist considers nothing more than the fear of losing face if everything is not exactly as planned.

Unfortunately, that leads to shoddy work. The dinner gets done poorly and probably a little late anyway. Then the cook spends the whole meal either apologizing or eying the guests for any sign of displeasure.

The self-destructive perfectionist finds no enjoyment in what they accomplished and learns nothing that can lead to future improvement because they are totally focused on themselves.

Positive perfectionism can view any experience as part of a learning process that leads to ever improving results.

Striving for perfection in a good way has to be divorced from self-worth. It has to focus on results. And it has to be willing to see each effort as a step on the journey to perfection instead of as one effort that needs to lead to the final destination. Seeking perfection has to be a habit, not a one-time shot.

Let me know what you think. What role does adaptation play in perfectionism, whether in the positive form of perfectionism or the self-destructive form? How have you found yourself adapting your expectations? How have you gotten yourself out of negative forms of perfectionism into good ones?
Jeff

Labels: business success, mindset, perfectionism

The Sure Sign that Perfectionism Is Hurting You
Yesterday, I told you about a discussion I was in a couple of weeks ago about perfectionism. Many in that discussion saw themselves as perfectionists. And they saw their perfectionism as something that helped them get things done and done well.

As someone who has struggled all my life with the destructive aspects of perfectionism, I see a very dark side to it. That dark side is fear based.

I see it in myself and I see it in many others with whom I have worked. I see it used as an excuse for procrastination: "Oh, I can't let anyone see this until it's perfect." Or I see it used to justify inaction: "I just can't get this perfect, so I won't even try."

I've seen it affect self-worth: "If I don't get this perfect, people won't accept me." And this dark perfectionism is often the doorway into self-destructive behavior and even addiction: "I don't measure up. I can't measure up. I can't stand the pain of not measuring up. I need something to dull that pain."

Whether that dark side of perfectionism is limited merely to fear of trying something new or goes to the extreme of being the root of behavior that destroys lives, fear is the clearest sign that the kind of perfectionism you experiencing is destructive rather than constructive.

Fearful perfectionism, ironically, keeps you from getting results that come anywhere near perfection. It locks you into predetermined ideas of what the results should be. Those predetermined ideas prevent you from finding true excellence. They focus you so much on making everything turn out exactly the way you envisioned it at first that you overlook opportunities that could lead to even better outcomes.

And those predetermined ideas are almost never attainable. They rely on everything turning out exactly as you originally envisioned, every step of the way. And anyone who has tackled any kind of project knows that nothing ever turns out exactly as planned in every detail. Adapting to what happens along the way is essential to any endeavor.

So what do you think? Have you seen this kind of destructive perfectionism in yourself? In others? What have you or others done to overcome it? I'd like to hear your insights on this.

Tomorrow, we'll look at being a perfectionist and still adapting to changing situations.

Jeff

Labels: mindset, perfectionism, successful business

Is Perfectionism Helping or Hurting Your Business?
I've long been aware of the self-destructive effect of perfectionism. I've seen it lead to tremendous damage in my life and in the lives of many others.

I've written about the difference between perfectionism and pursuing excellence in the past. And if you scroll through my tweets on Twitter, you'll see plenty more insights into this often misunderstood difference sprinkled throughout my other insights on running a business.

So when I spotted a discussion of this subject a couple of weeks ago, I couldn't resist chiming in. Throughout this week, I'll bring you some of the insights on that subject from that discussion, as well as expanding on it further.

First off, the discussion surprised me with how many people saw perfectionism as a good thing. As someone who has long struggled with the destructive aspect of perfectionism, that floored me.

I had trouble seeing anything good to perfectionism. The positive aspects that others described I would define as pursuing excellence or displaying admirable focus on obtaining the best possible results.

The fact remains, though, that a lot of people see perfectionism as an admirable thing. What do you think? Is perfectionism good or bad? Beneficial or destructive?
Jeff

Labels: business success, mindset, perfectionism

Paving Materials for Your Success
I just finished watching a webinar in Jim Edwards' The Net Reporter site. I can't tell you the exact topic because members have a confidentiality agreement not to reveal the topics he covers.

Suffice it to say, though, that this topic was a very detailed breakdown of a very profitable process. He broke down all the steps brilliantly and in great detail. There's no way that anyone who followed those steps could avoid succeeding.

The webinar struck me as having a lot of "tough love" in it, though. Jim didn't sugar coat things. The process is brilliant, but it's not some "push a button and wait for money to fall in your lap" hype. It will take a lot of work.

Something struck me, though, as he laid out this process and the effort required in it. There are no shortcuts to excellence. There are no shortcuts to the kind of success that Jim has demonstrated is possible. The road to success is paved with hard work and determination, but those paving materials are something we all have available to us.
Jeff


P.S. If you've gotten tired of all the hypesters who sell you on pixie dust instead of real, honest answers on how to make your Internet business succeed, I know of no better place to look than at Jim's The Net Reporter training site. I'm proud to call Jim my mentor and consider his site the one Internet marketing tool or training that I absolutely would never give up, unless I was closing my business forever. I encourage you to check it out.

Labels: Jim Edwards, mindset, successful business, The Net Reporter